


forgot who i was, but remembered you

by thisapathy



Series: come sink into me and let me breathe you in [6]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-02 23:38:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5268173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisapathy/pseuds/thisapathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Needless to say Carl’s angry. He’s hurt, upset, reeling and depressed all at once. Wants to rip his fucking heart out of his chest, but Rick's already done that. It's small and weak and desperate: "Why?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	forgot who i was, but remembered you

**Author's Note:**

> still mad about the rick/jessie kiss ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> set in 6x05

Carl doesn't believe it when Ron tells him, thinks it's some sort of joke because he knows Ron hates him, will say anything to make him upset. Maybe Ron's seen him and Rick sneaking around, maybe Ron's seen his and Rick's entangled silhouettes in the bedroom window. Maybe Carl's just being paranoid and Ron is telling the truth.

Ron's passing on the opposite side of the street as Judith and Carl. It's dark out; they should be inside already, but they're headed home so it doesn't really matter. Carl ducks his head, doesn't even want to acknowledge Ron, but Ron crosses the street.

"Hey."

Carl stops, resists the urge to roll his eyes. "What?"

Ron's wearing that stupid beanie that makes Carl hate him even more.

"So your dad and my mom are a thing now. I think we should at least try to be cool with each other."

Carl's mouth drops, heart rate increases tenfold. "What?"

"Be cool. Y'know, not pick fights with me."

Of course it doesn't occur to Carl to argue that he didn't start the fight because his mind is _reeling_. "How—? Did your mom say something to you?"

"Oh. No, I just saw them kissing in the garage. Figured I'd loop around the block again, didn't want to interrupt."

Ron's nonchalance annoys Carl to no end, so casual about everything—Rick killing his dad, fighting with Carl earlier, Rick and his mom kissing in the garage like fucking teenagers.

Carl sighs, trembling, tries not to let on that he's upset about any of the things Ron says. Gives him a simple 'alright', heads back to the house with Judith.

He's not denying that there are tears in his eyes, wipes them away when they slip down his cheeks. He puts Judith down upstairs, asks Carol to keep an ear out for the monitor. He knows Carol knows something's not right; the tone of his voice is all wrong, and he doesn't even try to hide it because is what Ron says is true, he's done. He's fucking done.

Carl goes outside, hands shaking, steps off the back porch far enough to see Rick heading towards him. Rick smiles, Carl stops, Rick steps closer and he's fucking smiling like nothing's happened.

"Where's Judy?"

"Asleep. Can I talk to you?"

They move closer to the walls for whatever reason, and maybe it's too dark for Rick to see the expression on Carl's face because he doesn't even mention it.

"Everything okay?"

"No." Carl shakes his head. "Ron—Ron said he saw you and Jessie in his garage."

Rick nods, gaze falling to the ground.

Carl swallows, feels like he's going to throw up any second. "He said you were kissing her. Please—please don't lie to me. Did you?"

Rick hesitates, he fucking _hesitates_ as if he's gonna lie, but ultimately decides against it. "Yes."

Needless to say Carl’s angry. He’s hurt, upset, reeling and depressed all at once. Wants to rip his fucking heart out of his chest, but Rick's already done that. It's small and weak and desperate: "Why?"

"I'm sorry.” Rick looks at up him desperately now, maybe in hopes that Carl will believe him.

"Am I not enough for you? Did I do something wrong?" He hates how desperate he sounds in his own ears.

"No," Rick says, and now his voice sounds strained, too. “I didn't want to hurt you. I still don't. But we can't anymore. We can't, Carl. I'm sorry."

And now Carl’s really pissed, lets out everything he’s been holding back since the prison. "You're not _sorry_. You weren't sorry when you kissed Jessie at Deanna's party, you weren't sorry when Mom died, when _I_ had to kill her. You weren't sorry when that man on the road almost fucking raped me. I needed you and you _didn't care_!"

"Yes, I did. You don't just get to say those things. Carl I've _killed_ for you."

"You killed for me because that's what you're supposed to do. You weren't supposed to use me and throw me away when something else came along."

Rick cocks his leg, hand resting on his holster. "We're here. This is home now, doesn't matter that there's a herd of walkers right out there," he says, pointing to the walls. "We're here for good, and we both know you and I can't keep carrying on like we're the only two people in the world."

He wants to know why Rick didn’t end it for good the first time around, why Rick didn’t push him away and tell him no, wishes that Rick would have broken his heart for good the first time instead of leading him to believe their fucked up excuse for a relationship could carry on in the walls.

He was right all along, every single time he thought that Rick looked at him and saw Lori, he was right. "I _was_ just a fucking stand-in for Mom until you found Jessie." He adds, childishly, under his breath, "She can't even defend herself."

Rick sighs, runs a hand through his hair., doesn’t even respond to his second statement. "We aren't having this conversation again."

Carl’s so loud, so intent on hurting Rick the way Rick’s hurt him that he’s sure the people the next block over can hear him. "You're right, because I'm done!"

Rick steps closer, grabs Carl's wrist tightly. "Lower your voice," he snaps, hushed.

"No! Don't fucking touch me!" What gives Rick the right, anyway? After everything Rick's still telling him what to do. Carl licks his chapped lips, whispers, "You don't get to hurt me anymore."

Rick steps one step forward. Carl takes two steps back. He's crying, he hates that he's crying, but he is.

Rick calls after him once, soft and desperate, "Carl."

Carl hates himself for even hesitating, for even thinking of turning around and listening to whatever bullshit excuse Rick can come up with this time. He's strong, though, strong like he knows he can be and he ignores Rick and lets his feet carry him back into the house.

 


End file.
